I thought I had everything all figured out, but every time something feels good and secure it quickly falls away, there are so many things I want to get off my chest but nobody I trust enough to talk to, I mean, I trust my girlfriend, but I'm afraid talking to her about all the stuff that's been eating at be because I'm afraid I'll hurt her. The only reason I'm saying anything here is because I know nobody checks my Blogger. So I'll just come out and say it, I've been feeling really depressed for the last couple months, and it's been getting worse every day I've been giving serious though to suicide, but every time I think about it I just want to curl up and cry. I'll go to take something for a headache, and I'll want to take the whole bottle, or I'll hold a knife and want to stab myself or slit my wrists. I'm afraid of what I might do, I don't want to die, but I'm just so lost, and scared. Everything hurts.

I want someone, I need someone near me right now, but I don't have anyone I trust, or anyone I'm willing to hurt with my depression, so I just keep my mouth shut and suffer alone.

I feel like I'm drowning.

I need help and I don't know how to ask for it.

I never update any of my journals anymore...

I almost never update any of my journals, I have a LiveJournal, Myspace, Blogger and a journal on Gaiaonline.com but I never update any of them. Hell I never even update the journal I have in real life, which I think is a damn shame... Even though when I finally fill up my real journal I'm most likely going to burn it because NOBODY MUST KNOW MY SECRETS! Not that I have any really good secrets anyway... I just really don't like the idea of someone knowing everything about me.

Anywho, I've been writing more lately, and drawing again too, I think it's all thanks to my muse Peanut. I love it when we stay up all night writing and chatting away on AIM, we'll send each other little snippets of what we're writing and then go back to our stories. Right now I'm working on a drawing for her of Marilyn Manson and Davey Havok (AFI) it's going well, though I'm sure it won't last I'm 98% certain that I'm going to screw it up so I scanned what I have so far and sent it to her just to show I'm working on it.

OH YEAH! I finally decided that I'm going to start massage school in the fall, it's going to cost a pretty penny but I found out here in Washington massage therapists make between 55 and 105 dollars an hour. I also started a new diet and I'm determined to stick to it because I REALLY need to loose some weight if I'm going to be on my feet all day. I think the next step is to join a gym even though I REALLY don't want to... But I know I need to for my health.

So right now things are good, and this is the first time I've ever really been able to say that, it's like all of a sudden everything in life is just falling into place. I'm really ready to turn my life around, I guess after a couple years of hiding I've finally learned that life just isn't going to go away.

...I find it funny that I'm updating the only journal nobody will see.

Oh well.